Dear Sleep


Dear You,

I, Sleep, am writing to notify you of an Anti-Bed-Bug infestation in your body of residence. I suspect an infestation due to low energy & motivation, poor eating habits & reduced muscle development. According to the Municipal Sleep Code it is your responsibility as the landlord to provide snooze enforcement services by a dream professional to both establish & maintain a pattern of healthy sleep. Corrective action may include:

  • ️‍Work out regularly (30 min. 3 x week)

  • ️️Manage stress w/deep breathing or meditation

  • Sunlight exposure (2+hours)

  • Dim lights in the p.m. (exposure linked to regulation of sleep & wake cycles)

The Municipal Sleep Code obligates you to inspect & treat your bedroom to comply with acceptable standards of:

  • Dark (blackout curtains, sleep mask)

  • Quiet (fan, soothing music, noise machine)

  • Comfort (upgrade mattress, suitable bedding, temp of 62-68F)

If the presence of Anti-Bed-Bugs persists, a behavior treatment plan must be implemented on a nightly basis (prior to my arrival) until the infestation is completely eliminated. Routine modifications may include:

  • Consistent sleep schedule

  • Cut caffeine intake

  • Earlier dinner time

  • Power off electronics 1 hour prior

  • 30 minutes of relaxing activity (bath, sip chamomile tea)

The failure to inspect & treat Anti-Bed-Bugs violates the MS Code & Personal Goals (dated 1-1-2017). For each night of sleep violation you will be penalized by feeling:

  • ‍Hungrier & crave foods high in fat & calories

  • More emotional & reactive to stress

  • Less focused, slower reaction time, more forgetful

Pursuant to the Landlord & Tenant Slumber Ordinance, if you fail to correct this your risks for diabetes, high blood pressure & heart disease will increase. Additionally for the duration of this infestation I will be making deductions from your immune system causing you to be sick more often.



Sleep plays a huge role in your health, recovery, and overall well-being!

Studies show that women who get less sleep, gain more weight over time!  We can't express how important it is for overall health and well-being.

“Sleep loss due to voluntary bedtime curtailment has become a hallmark of modern society… Chronic sleep loss, [whether] behavioral or sleep disorder related, may represent a novel risk factor for weight gain, insulin resistance, and Type 2 diabetes.”

— Spiegel, K.

"Regular exercise can reduce a woman’s risk of cancer, but the benefits may slip away if she gets too little sleep," say US researchers.

Sleep is also crucial to regulate our hormone cycles!  SLEEP HELPS STRESS!

 “People just don’t realize how important sleep is, and what the health consequences are of not getting a good night’s sleep on a regular basis… Sleep is just as important for overall health as diet and exercise.”

–Carl Hunt, MD, director of the National Center on Sleep Disorders Research at the NIH

Some more suggestions for sleep interventions that you have control over are:

No blue light for 30 minutes prior to getting into bed (screens like your phone emit a blue light that interferes with melatonin)

Nothing but sleeping or sex in bed

If you're not asleep within 15 min of getting into bed--get up and do something else before returning for bed

No bright lights in the bedroom (a.k.a. don't play on your phone, read an iPad/kindle, watch TV (or leave TV on, Do it somewhere else, THEN go to bed.

Eliminate all caffeinated beverages within 4 hours of desired sleep time