Hey, it's me, Protein.

Can we be honest for a second? I feel like you’re taking me for granted. I mean, do you realize how much you need me? Your body literally needs me every day for nearly every metabolic activity. Remember how you used to call me the “building blocks of your body”? I loved that. I know I’m not the most attractive or delicious macro. I can’t really compete with Fats & Carbs. But no one supports your muscle growth like I do.

When training breaks your muscles down, who is there to repair them? Those other macros?

You can’t be serious.

I’m always there synthesizing skeletal & connective tissues, neurotransmitters, enzymes, immune system chemicals...I could go on.

You think because I show up in most foods, I’m all about the single life--but I’m not. I know you don’t want to hear it but I’m made of amino acids. That’s just who I am. Everybody everywhere needs amino acids..Is that my fault? Is it my fault that people lose small amounts of amino acids every day? That’s why Protein stores should be continually replenished by a moderate intake at regular intervals. It’s the truth. It’s not just me being egotistical or insecure.

I’m tired of playing games. Yes, you can produce non-essential amino acids on your own--but when it comes to essential amino acids--you NEED me. When you don’t get enough of me you can go into a catabolic state--is that what you want? To waste away your muscle mass? I don’t need to be your one & only macro. That’s not what I’m saying. Doing that would hurt us both. And yes, I know what it costs you to be with me, 4 calories per gram to be exact. But do you also remember the high thermic effect I have on your body? You know it’s better than with those other macros--digesting me increases your energy expenditure and helps you lose weight.

So I’m not the easiest to be in a relationship with. When you’re counting my intake level can be intimidating...irritating even. So dress me up with Fats & Carbs! Let’s just have fun. I know I need to be more confident & I'll try. All l really want is to be there for you & your muscles, to make you feel satisfied & to help you feel fuller for longer. So please consume me, I want to be a part of your dietary intake.



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To Whom it May Concern,

Fat here. As you may or may not be aware, I have been providing services to your body your entire life. Apart from being the most energy & calorically dense macro-nutrient, I am also able to provide the following services:

  • Make & balance hormones

  • Form cell membranes, brain & nervous systems

  • The most concentrated source of energy

  • Cardiovascular protection (excluding protection against heart failure)

  • Help transport fat-soluble vitamins (A, D, E & K)

  • Provide 2 fatty acids the body is unable to produce alone

My employment history is diverse & extensive, I have been employed in a wide variety of foods worldwide. For your convenience I've included the following references:

Job Title: Saturated Fat at Animal Fat, Butter & Tropical Oils Inc.

Job Title: Monounsaturated Fat for Egg Yolk & Lard LLC, Olive Oil & Avocado Inc and Peanut, Tree & Groundnut LLC.

Job Title: Polyunsaturated Fat for FlaxandChia.Com, Mayo & Walnuts LLC and Fish & Most Seed Oils Inc.

I am a great team player and work best in a support position. I am happiest being included in moderation (even on a percentage or gram basis). I have plenty of critics who like to point out my hydrogenated existence in processed & industrialized foods. But I would like to point out that I am rarely found as a naturally occurring trans-fat, and while these associations are not favorable they are delicious & I own that.

I know my worth. My skill set is essential and my price tag reflects this. I charge 9 calories per gram. Despite what my name implies, I have no desire to make you overweight. By the terms of my contract, you may use me at your discretion but be advised that overindulgence leads to my reputation of being stored as adipose (ahem fat) tissue. If treated like the valuable resource I am--and used in moderation from a variety of sources--I can add delicious & satisfying value to the physical & emotional aspects of your life.

I look forward to being appreciated & savored by both you & the body you inhabit.

Very Truly Yours,



 Dear Sir or Madam,

We represent the Carb family for claims arising from discriminatory actions (wrongful termination & slander) that have adversely affected employment & reputation. We submit the following summary of facts & settlement demands.

The Carbs are the body’s main source of energy. They are a large family with a worldwide presence including:

The Complex Carbs (a.k.a. “Good/Healthy Carbs”)

Long time Whole Food residents in vegetables, fruits, legumes & whole grains. They release energy gradually, keep us fuller for longer & keep blood sugar & insulin stable. Proudly associated with micronutrients, phytonutrients, fiber & water.

Simple Carbs (a.k.a. Processed, “Junk Food”)

Stripped of nutrients, they are associated with free-loaders i.e. sodium, industrial chemicals, trans fats & preservatives. They stimulate appetite, leave us unsatisfied & can also cause fluctuations in blood sugar and insulin levels.

Members of The Carb family have different contributions and digestive methods. But as a Carb, each is entitled to end up as glucose. And glucose is valuable--every cell & muscle in the body needs it. Just the brain needs 130 grams per day. Yet in spite of these facts there is still widespread bias against our client. For years The Carbs have been suffering from public blacklisting due to anti-carb diets. But the body has suffered also. Too-low Carb intake can result in blood sugar swings, more body fat (esp around the middle), loss of bone density & muscle mass, anxiety, depression, inflammation & pain, fatigue & disrupted sleep.

The Carbs have no desire to hoard power or make anyone fat. Optimum Carb intake varies by individual & is based on factors like activity level, goals, sensitivity & health concerns. The Carbs insist on payment of 4 calories per gram w/a minimum intake of 100-130g per day. This is non-negotiable. We subcontract Fiber at a rate of 35g per day for women & 48g for men, with the added benefit of helping you poop. The Carbs desire a positive working relationship providing needed energy in an environment of mutual appreciation & enjoyment.

Thank your for your consideration,

The Macro Challenge & Associates